Saturday, February 09, 2002

I emailed this article, The Domesticity Wars, to two fellow bloggers who are about to get married.

While there are many truths in both the arguments presented in the article, the fact is that no amount of reading, no amount of advice, no amount of self-counselling can quite prepare one for what can only be described as a life-changing experience.

Every person, every experience, every instance, every relationship is so gloriously different from the other that it becomes well-nigh impossible to lay down a perfect set of dos and don'ts. You discover them with time by accident, serendipity, sharing, disagreement...

Yes, we may have to part with some of our independence -- maybe, in some cases, even a part of our identity. But, tell me, which relationship doesn't extract something out of us? There would be no relationship if there were no give and take. If there were only expectations and no responsibility.

The question is: is what we get in return far more valuable than what we bring to the relationship? Are we comfortable with the exchange? Can we live with it?

Marriages, some have said, are about making compromises. Nothing could be more untrue.
Marriages, according to me, are about making choices. If, in your mind, you are compromising, instead of choosing to do -- or not to do -- something, then you are burdening yourself -- and the relationship. An accummulation of compromises is the surest way to disenchantment.

So when is a choice a choice and not a compromise? In a compromise, you will either lose something you don't want to or you will expect something in return. A compromise is akin to a favour. A rain cheque. You will want to encash it some time in the future.

A choice on the other hand is more selfless. It doesn't come with extra baggage. It makes you feel a whole lot better. And, the best part about it: it is based on caring, love, respect and trust.

If you have those last four things going in a relationship, I don't see why compromise should ever be necessary.

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